I got up early this morning, attempting to beat the Christmas rush to town. Much to my dismay, every other shopper in North Alabama had the same idea. At least I should have my list complete well before the Christmas Eve madness.
Of the many items I purchased this morning, one bears great sentimental value to me. I'll explain more as you read. Most of you are aware that Chris and I suffered a personal loss in July. We were pregnant with our second child, only to miscarry at 6 or so weeks along. This was/is a devastating loss to us, as it was a planned pregnancy and something we never thought we would face. For those of you that have been down this road before, you can relate and know the struggles that accompany this type of death. Yes, death! It is heart breaking and so misunderstood. I in no way equate an early miscarriage to a late-term miscarriage or infant/child death. However, it is extremely heart breaking and is not something I have very easily moved passed.
My heart aches everyday to some degree. It is now five months later, and I still have days that sadness completely consumes me. I still go through periods of various emotions; anger, despair, frustration, and sadly bitterness at times. Having said that, I must emphasize that Chris and I are coping and have done remarkably well considering the magnitude of our personal tragedy, not to mention the other difficult circumstances this year (moved into a new home, sick family members, death of a grandparent). Chris often tells me that I missed my calling. I could be an award winning actress for the "show" I can put on. By this, he simply means I am the queen of putting on a happy face and covering up my feelings. I do not like to show emotions in public. If I do, things must be completely falling apart because that is just not how I am. I say this to explain that while I am striving daily to move on and get beyond my loss, I do still ache for my child that I never got to hold. We never got an ultrasound picture; we never heard the first heartbeat; we don't know the gender of the baby; but, we love him/her/them very much.
As I stated earlier, if you have walked in our shoes, you know how I feel. I never understood miscarriage and it's impacts before July 27, 2008. Now, it is a haunting reminder of how fragile life can be. I realize that people don't know what to say, and they often say things that are not the most appropriate. I have had to bite my tongue over the past few months at some of the comments I've received. When it comes right down to it, I realize that friends and family mean well, and they don't understand; thus, sometimes sarcastic comments or jokes are said with the best of intentions. But, to someone dealing with a loss it becomes alcohol to a wound. It was real to us and nothing can change that. I do not hold anger toward anyone that has made a "silly" comment. I have most likely been in the same boat before, not knowing how to act or what to say. Having said that, we have also received much encouragement, prayers, and understanding from so many. If you see us, it is okay for you to ask us how we are doing. Yes, I still hurt, but I would rather my baby be remembered, than never talked about at all. Technically we are a family of 3, but in my heart, we are truly a family of 4. Our youngest is playing, dancing, singing, and growing up in the most Holy of Holies. It is so hard for me to even fathom that my little angel is being raised by Jesus. I cannot begin to express the peace I feel as I write those words. Tears are pouring from my eyes, but I am blessed having known the child of my womb for the short time that was given. For that, I am truly grateful!!
Earlier in the post, I mentioned that we have very few tangible reminders of the baby. Chris and I have discussed what we could do to commemorate the little one. Since it is Christmas time, I can think of no better way than to add an ornament to our tree that honors and celebrates the memory. I stopped at Lifeway Christian Store this morning and selected a beautiful silver angel. It is a mother holding a heart in her hands. It reminds me that even though I cannot hold this precious child in my arms, I will always hold him/her in my heart. Life will go on, and by the grace of God we will be given another child or children; but, our baby that would have been due in March 2009 will forever be with us. We will NEVER forget you!!
Thanks for bearing with me as I reflect. It is my hope and prayer that the next time I post about the baby, it will be that Lauren and our Little Angel are having a new brother or sister. God Bless and Merry Christmas!
Brandi
BTW...feel free to comment. I would love to hear from some readers!!!
2 comments:
Wow! Brandi- I had no idea! I am really sorry. We have another couple that has just gone through this during the past week and we have been thinking about them and this subject this week. What would you say is the best way to offer comfort to someone after such a loss? It is amazing to think about Jesus loving on your little one. Thank you for sharing something so personal-
Just know that we love you guys and will now be aware of a way that we can be praying for you!
Thanks Jeannie. From my experience, the best thing you can do/say to others going through this loss is to simply let them know you are praying & be there to listen. People mean well, but when they become uncomfortable & start looking for the right words to say....inevitably much of what comes out is "stupid" and "piercing" words like; "it just wasn't meant to be", or "so when are you going to try again". I have had to grow pretty tough skin, but as I stated before, I know that everyone means well! It is a difficult and uncomfortable subject whether it is happening to you or someone you know.
Thanks again for your kind words. They mean more than you know!! We need to get together with you guys over the holiday. I feel terrible for not getting by to see Noah yet. He is a cutie...and Gregory is getting so big!! See you soon.
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